Hi friends, how has your new year been thus far? Mine has been an emotional roller-coaster ride thanks to my mountain high workload at the office. I have been spending so much time at work that I simply do not have time to do all that I aspired to for 2019. From 2 January 2019, I have not been living the way I wanted to. The way I thought I should. The ideal way of waking up at 5.30 am every morning to write my Morning Pages, hit the gym and make breakfast, to then head to work and stay only from 9.00 am to 6.00 pm (which is my actual working hour), to come home and prepare dinner, read, write, and be in bed by 10.00 pm. You know, the ideal life I have planned for myself. One that I thought would help me have enough time to achieve my life goals.
So when I couldn’t stick to that ideal routine, I felt terrible. I felt like I lack discipline, and I felt guilty for binge-watching Netflix every night instead of reading or writing. I felt like I have failed myself. Like I have failed life. But at the same time, I couldn’t get myself out of that cycle. When you are already so tired, it is difficult to conjure enough willpower to make “good decisions”.
I was ladened with guilt. I was overwhelmed.
Then, one day, I decided to just let go.
I thought to myself, what is the point of feeling guilty and beating myself up, when all they do is make me feel worse? I will still go on doing what I am already doing whether I feel bad about it or not. So why not just allow myself to?
So I did. I let go of my need to lead this ideal life that I have planned out for myself. I ripped off the Post It note of all goals that I have stuck onto my mirror. I told myself that it is okay to reduce my workout days from 4 days a week to 3 days. It is okay to eat out and not cook my meals. It is fine to binge-watch Modern Family and not read if it helps me feel better at the end of a stressful day. I do not have to write if I do not feel like it.
And with that decision to let go, I felt so much lighter.
We all aspire to live a certain way. We all have our version of an ideal life. It might be something we really want to have, or it might be something that we strongly believe that we should have in order to live our best lives. But more often than not, life will throw us circumstances that will challenge our journey. Ideally, we should be able to tackle these challenges head on, and triumph. Ideally, we should regain control of our own lives. Ideally, we should be able to decide what to do with our lives. But life isn’t ideal, and the sooner we realise this, the easier it is for us to let go.
Sometimes, the best way to live is to go with the flow.
Do you feel the same way? Or have you sufficient discipline to stay on track despite what life has thrown at you?
Love, Jess xoxo